I know me and Anne have some stories and poetry that we could submit.

So, I was going to my girlfriend's house... excuse me for illustrating the fact I'm a horrible writer and starting a bit with the word 'so'. Allow me also to show unprofessionalism by saying 'shit', 'fuck', and 'damn'.

Anyway, I was driving down the Kansas Turnpike at about 90 in an effort take an hour off of the trip. Like any speeding person should do, I was reading billboards on the way down. Did you know there are billboards advertising Emporia as far away as three miles from the Oklahoma border?

I should be getting to my point about now, since I know you're about to lose it in your pants as I creep ever closer to the gimmick for this story.

How many of you reading this remember the fabled "Great Area Code Splitting" of the late 90s? From July 20th in 1997, to October 3rd, 1998 and from February 3rd to November 3rd in 2001 - the 913 and 316 area codes decided that they'd each have respective bastard children of 785 and 620.

As you can imagine, several million people and businesses were affected by this. I, however, in the year 2004, still have a problem with this.

First off, I understand the need for the change. There simply was too great a demand for 913 and 316 numbers, so they were assigned to Kansas City and Wichita while the surrounding areas were given 785 and 620. Not a big deal, right?

Well I wish the telco would have realized that as many as six years later, businesses and individuals would STILL be advertising the wrong god damned number.

[image of KTA weather terminal showing 316 area code for emporia] Even state agencies refuse to let go of their beloved phone number!

Sure, there are plenty of arguments citing cost and resources to make sure everything was changed during the switch… Then I realize, good Christ people, it happened almost six years ago in some locations! That's 1560 business days, or 1872 days if Jehovah decided to help on his weekly 24!

Although advertising with the wrong number does a horrible job promoting business, it does a great job prank calling old people in Wichita and Kansas City.

I've decided to take it upon myself to devise a solution to this problem. I would like to call this the "Jared Starkey's Plan for Fixing Stupid People's Phone Numbers through A Bad Advertising Scheme".

1. All affected individuals with muddy shoes must first learn their own phone number. This can be done through an additional class during secondary education, and will be aided by a new class for Secondary Ed majors at ESU - preparing you for the hardship, improper grammar, and racial slurs you will face.

2. Any bumper stickers in the state of Kansas which state "MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT [insert school here]" shall become illegal, and must be replaced with "MY CHILD KNOWS HIS OR HER OWN FUCKING PHONE NUMBER!" As I illustrated earlier, reading and driving at the same time is a safe and effective education tool.

[image of SWBYP's scan showing a 316 phone number] C'mon people, it’s a damn phone book!

3. Failed businesses in Kansas will be absorbed by the state. Thanks to a grant from the Missouri Department of Transportation, an "Incorrect Advertising SWAT Team" will be formed. This team will be given the use of LETHAL FORCE, and dispatched at the sight of incorrect business cards, billboards, and phone books. Expect to see this agency at your local student newspaper, soon!

Obviously this will work, because I wrote about it for a good 30 minutes, and thought about it during the 30 minutes it took me to get back from Wichita. That's an hour of premeditated domination in the phone number field that you can not argue with.

If any of you have questions or comments on this plan, feel free to contact The Bulletin's phone forum at 316-341-5469. I look forward to hearing from you!

Edit: grammar

Thr4ll- I look forward to your submission.

Nitrous- So, you wanna submit?

I wrote that a while ago... what do you think?

To submit or not submit - is that a question? Honestly I do not know if I would want to... Gah! Thr4ll, 2-HeadedGiraffe, Brandon... hold my hand... I'm lost about what to do... uh - on second thought - don't hold my hand... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... . . .

(o )( o)

boobies

Of course you should submit, Fuzz! You have some really great stuff in that weird head of yours.

Hey, if Fuzz submits something, could you put his submition and mine next to each other so we can be...dare I say it...LIT BUDDIES!

I have lots of lit buddies.

I get lit with them every now and again...